I don't know

I don't know if I want to keep doing this journal.

I know I just started, but still. Before the journal, I was only occasionally thinking about food and stuff. Now? I'm almost always thinking about food and exercise and my body. I miss Tuesday when I wasn't worried about much of that. Sure, I had my moments and sure I looked in the mirror and sucked in my stomach a lot, but not quite as often in two months as I have in these two days.

I don't know, I'm not doing something right. I'm sure I'm going about this with the wrong attitude, but I don't know how else to look at this situation.

I don't know. Should I take a break? Is this journal doing more harm than good, so should I just stop?

I hate not knowing

August 14, 2014: Thursday

After just one day of writing this journal, I’m scared. Am I showing signs of an eating disorder? What if documenting all this fuels an unhealthy obsession with exercise and food?

I woke up feeling dizzy, so I decided not to exercise this morning. The glass of water I had this morning helped with the dizziness, but I didn’t eat much for breakfast. Sometimes eggs just don’t agree with me and I feel sick, so I just had two bites. Normally, this wouldn’t worry me. I know a few healthy people (including one great nurse/health professor) who don’t eat breakfast.

 

Student: Can you explain (to the class) why breakfast is the “most important meal of the day?”

Nurse/Health Professor: No. Honestly, I don’t believe it. I don’t eat breakfast, and haven’t for years and look at me! As long as you’re snacking right, and eating good food throughout the day, it doesn’t matter when you have your first meal.

 

Okay, so the answer didn’t go exactly like that, but I didn’t write what she said word for word when she said it so of course I don’t know what she said word for word. I promise, though, that this is extremely close to what she said. I didn’t add my own interpretation to the quote. Also, what my professor said, doesn’t mean that all of a sudden I don’t believe all those health articles that claim it’s important to eat breakfast every morning. It just means that I know there’s another opinion out there, and I need to decide for myself what’s healthy.

 

Anyway, as I mentioned earlier, normally not having much of a breakfast wouldn’t scare me, but today it does. Since I got dizzy this morning when I woke up, and I didn’t eat anything until 11:30am (I wake up every morning at 6:30-7am), I’m worried that my body won’t be getting enough nutrients and all that good stuff today.

Speaking of the word “enough,” I’m terrified that this unhealthy relationship with my body will never end. I keep sucking in my stomach and looking in the mirror. I keep telling myself, “Once I get to this point without having to suck in my stomach, I will be happy.” I don’t want to be telling myself this anymore. I hate those words and I want them out of my head. I know that what I see in the mirror shouldn’t be the source of my happiness and self-worth.

 When it comes to victims of anorexia, enough never arrives. I just hope it does for me.

August 13: Wednesday (Yesterday)

I keep checking myself in the mirror. I tell myself that it’s to improve my posture, but that’s only half true. The other half is to remind myself to suck in my stomach. I’m not even overweight or big, but it’s a scary habit I’ve had since I was 13 (I’m 20 now). I’m afraid I am (or will become) obsessed with my body image.

I don’t have a scale. I’m afraid that if I buy one, then my dad will think I’m anorexic again. When I was maybe 14, I fainted and dad thought I was starving myself. I wasn’t and never have.

So I don’t have a scale. Instead, I’ll measure myself to show my progress. To clarify, I’m not necessarily trying to get bigger or smaller, I’m trying to get healthier, fitter. (I have to tell myself this everyday as a reminder) My measurements are more so to see where I am and where I’ve been. This will also hopefully help me shrink the distance between my actual and revealed (stomach sucked in) measurements.

I’m measuring my waist and my stomach pouch, because usually the stomach pouch determines a person’s self-image.

I’m also measuring my thighs, calves, and arms (at the biceps) since I’m trying to add muscle there. I’d like to see if there’s any change in the measurements as I gain muscle. I’m not sure if I’ll keep any or all of these measurements, so we’ll just have to see where this takes me.

When I measured my actual waist size, I almost cried. It was almost impossible not to suck in my stomach. I don’t want to be embarrassed of my body, but sometimes (ok, most of the time) I am… But I did it, and I’m proud of myself. I looked in the mirror (stomach not sucked in) and saw the real me for the first time in a long time.

 

Waist (only 1 inch difference)
Actual: 26 inches
Revealed (sucked in): 25 inches

Stomach pouch (1.5 inch difference)
Actual: 31 inches
Revealed (sucked in): 29.5

(The difference between my waist and pouch measurements is about 4 to 5 inches because I have little love handles. Those love handles add to the pouch measurements)

Thighs: 21 inches
Calves: 12 inches
Arms (at biceps): 10 inches.